It’s the premiere!! It’s happening!!! Clankety-clank, bitches! I’m so excited this season has finally begun after an explosive previous season with deeply problematic issues-- i.e. Michael literally sexually assaulting a crew member??? Why is Bravo still allowing a sexual predator on the show????? We also had the infamous fight between Ashley and Candiace that gave us that wonderful “I let her into my home! I gave her a beverage!” line from Candiace. And the entire episode where they were at-- was it a Winery or something?-- and Monique said she’d drag Candiace “pregnant and all.” I mean the list goes on! There are just so many insane moments from last season which is why this franchise is up there with Atlanta for me in terms of ranking. Don't @ me! You simply cannot deny that these ladies know how to BRING. ET. Woohoo! Here we go!
Since it’s the beginning of the new season let’s first talk about some of the new taglines that the ladies have:
Gizelle: "I'm still the baddest thing walking, and the most anointed one talking."-- Okay, I admit, I had to look up what anointed meant but after seeing the definition, this tag feels so on-brand for Gizelle.
Karen: "Honey, the grande dame don't repeat history — she makes it." --That’s correct. Nobody will ever forget the historic pizza delivery, Karen!
Monique: "Maybe if you tried a little harder, you wouldn't have to try me.” -- The only thing anybody is trying to do is get the fuck away from your pet pigeon.
Robyn: "I live in a house full of ballers, but I never get played." -- V bold of her considering nobody forgot Juan’s played her multiple times.
Ashley:"Now that I got my baby, that's the only crap I take." -- This seems a little too nonchalant for a woman whose husband was accused of groping a crew member five minutes ago.
Candiace: "Reading is fundamental, and, honey, I own the library." -- Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like all the books in Candiace’s library would be blank pages.
Wendy:"The professor has arrived, and class is officially in session." -- I don’t know her.
Wendy must be the new one. Anyways, now that we’ve gotten the taglines out of the way, let’s start the show! Right off the bat, Bravo does the thing I hate the most where they show a wild fight break out in the opening scene of the first episode and then wind it back to several weeks/months earlier to show us “how it all started.” Literally if they never showed us that fight in the beginning, we still would’ve stuck around because we saw it in the promo's. Leave it to Bravo to waste precious airtime during an episode we’ve all been waiting for!
So now, seven weeks before the brawl, Monique and her husband (the most perfect couple--I fucking love them) are in the kitchen while Monique potty trains her pet bird. I’m not sure that’s the place I would choose for that activity but I guess I can’t talk because I share my bed every night with my dog. Aviculturist Monique takes her buzzard down the street to the grand dame’s new house. As soon as Karen opens the door and sees the glorified pigeon, she slams it closed. I don’t blame her because, same. One time my brother brought a pet bird home and it terrorized me when I was left alone with it so I understand Karen’s fear.
Lmaoo Monique is so shady. She said Karen’s house was “nice…for her…and Ray.” Leave them and their homes alone! After saying their hello’s. they sit on the porch and Karen discloses to Monique that she and Ray are having a bit of a disconnect in her marriage--which is pretty off-brand for Karen as we’ve seen in previous seasons she doesn’t always disclose when something is going on in her personal life.
Karen’s perfume (which I have yet to see in a single store online or otherwise), is somehow doing so well that it’s causing a shift in their relationship because she isn’t home as much. However, despite their marriage issues, Karen vows to step up because how TF are you gonna be single and start over after 25 years of marriage? That’s 25+ years of not having to hold in your farts after date night! I couldn’t go back. Over at Gizelle’s house she’s getting her renovations done and redecorating her house to resemble your neighborhood nail salon. Apparently she’s back with her ex-husband, Pastor Jamal, who she divorced 12 years ago because he cheated on her multiple times with multiple women. Look, I’m all for going back into the archives of the people you’ve dated and slept with, but even Gizelle’s own daughters don’t even think she should date their father. Yikes! Dark. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say-- they might be onto something. Candiace and her husband are meeting an event planner at the venue they are hoping to have their one-year wedding anniversary party with a theme of… ready for it? Denim and diamonds. Wasn't this already done once before??
Their budget is 5,000 but $22K is the minimum requirement for food and beverage on a Friday. They are no longer using Dorothy’s (Candiace’s mother) money, so they have to pay for it themselves. Candice promises she won’t go overboard with the budget even though I thought she literally just went over it by $18,000 two seconds ago?? V unclear. Ashley and Herbert the pervert have welcomed a baby boy named Dean into the world and unfortunately, he looks more like his father than he does Ashley (they said it too). While Ashley feels that her and Michael are better than ever since having a baby, ever since giving birth, Ashley’s anxiety is at an all time high and she’s worrying about scenarios that only a new mom could possibly think of. Over at Robin and Juan’s house, the family is gathered in the kitchen talking about moving to yet again. Robyn excuses the children so she can talk one-on-one with her husband about the subject. Robyn lays it down that if they’re gonna move and buy a new house again, they have to get married. After literally being given no other choice, Juan agrees.
Candiace is over in Tysons VA at Classic Bakery looking for treats for her sequins and jean jacket anniversary party. (I am especially interested in the places these ladies go to in the show because they all live around my hometown in Northern Virginia!) Gizelle shows up to help her taste the treats from the bakery and decide what to choose for the party.
While they’re catching up Gizelle tells her that the car she pulled up in (which definitely isn’t a Mini Cooper, Candiace!) is actually Jamal’s. And as a good friend does, Candiace immediately asks if they’re having sex. The women’s reaction to the news of this rekindling is...tough-- Candiace: Wear a condom, girl. Robyn: I never thought I’d see the day. Monique: She’s tryna get more tithes and offers from the church Karen: I have… No comment. They start talking about the party and Candiace goes down the list of who she’s inviting from the cast and notably missing from her list of guests is Ashley, because they haven’t made up from their drama from last season.
The conversation starts to go left as Gizelle asks her if Drothy will be paying for the party since they are still trying to buy a house. (I swear to god these women cannot mind their business when it comes to other people and their homes.) Gizelle thinks Candiace has been rude about her home renovation process and Candiace is upset that Gizelle made some comments in the past about still using Dorothy’s money to pay for her house. After talking over each other in a heated argument they decide to drop the conversation and put their grand order in with the baker.
Back at Ashley’s house, Monique and her baby Chase come over to hang out so the ladies can talk about essential oils--I love Monique, but this is definitely her downfall trait for me. Can’t win 'em all! How tf is Monique’s baby starting potty training already???
Monique thinks Ashley has been shielding herself and the baby heavily because of everything her family went through last year. As several flashbacks of Candiace berating her skip across the screen, Ashley declares that this year she’s not allowing any hamster-face hoes near her baby. Lmfao I’m screaming. That’s also so bold coming from the woman whose husband looks like foreskin.
Just like Gizelle, Monique wants Candiace to realize her fault in the situation and apologize to Ashley. Which, she definitely should since she literally cyber bullied her while Ashley was literally pushing another human being out of her vagina. Ashley is my least favorite but she definitely deserves an apology.
The denim and cubic zirconia bash has begun and without so much as an apology in advance to our eyeballs, Candiace arrives at the venue in a dress that can only be described as a bedazzled loofa with thigh-high denim boots.
Me:
Candiace’s mother Dorothy is one of the first guests to arrive and the tension makes me squirm. Candiace has to have a cash bar to offset the wild amount she spent over-budget and I have a feeling this will be brought up not only for the rest of the night, but probably for the rest of the season. She'll never live this down, and honestly, I don't think she should.
Candiace’s party is apparently also a commercial for Karen’s fragrance La Dame because that’s what everyone appears to be wearing. I guess the promo helps since bottles aren't flying off JCPenney the shelves.
After all the ladies have arrived (except Robyn, who’s probably still in the shower), Candiace pulls Gizelle and Karen aside to ask if Gizelle is upset about their conversation at the bakery. Gizelle checks Candiace (as she should) for not being able to admit when she’s wrong and apologize.
Gizelle is being a good friend and holds Candiace accountable for her actions and asks her to consider apologizing to Ashley. However, Candiace says she doesn’t plan to. Monique shows up and everyone pretends like they weren’t about to pop off.
Monique asks Gizelle how things are going with Jamal and then voices her concern about the rekindling of their relationship. Gizelle says that the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to them and now is the best time for them to get back together again. I feel sorry for Gizelle already because being in a relationship where you constantly have to defend your boyfriend because he's fucking terrible, is the worst. Been there. 0/10 stars. Would not recommend.
Robyn finally arrives looking like she just grabbed a handful of sequined barretts on her way out the door and put them on in the car and had Juan help her put them in as he was driving. I love you Robyn but... GIRL.
Monique runs into Charisse who apparently has been spreading rumors about Monique and her family. Candiace is messy so I’m not surprised Charisse was on the guestlist.
As the night is winding down, Candiace brings everyone to the center of the dancefloor to thank everyone for coming and give the Devil herself (Dorothy), and her "favorite, favorite, favorite" friend Karen, the opportunity to say a few words. Lmao. Candiace can't go one whole minute without being petty.
Instead of saying a few kind words about Candiace and Chris, Karen uses this opportunity to tell the whole room about her own marriage problems before passing the mic over to Candiace’s mom. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any more embarrassed, Dorothy gets on the mic and calls Chris, her son-in-law “a decent human being” and literally thanks him for fucking her daughter. She ends the speech on a heartfelt note saying, “Marriage is a lot of hard work but-- it’ll be ok. Love you!” Wow. Very nice. I think I'll use that in 10 years when I’m still the only single bridesmaid at my friends’ and family members weddings.
That’s it! Wow! What a note to end on! It seems like we’re in for a rollercoaster of a season with another crazy brawl between Candiace and Monique. After last season, I have no doubt these women will de-liv-er! I know two episodes came out this week but I’m only recapping the premiere because I need some Me Time, okay?! Don’t @ me.
Come back next week where I recap episode three and don’t forget to comment your thoughts and subscribe below!! See you next week!
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