Welcome back! The ladies are still in Rome and I am still in my bed that I haven’t left since I got back from Palm Springs four days ago. I have a small house and I haven’t gotten a new couch yet, okay?! My bed is the only place I can lounge when I’m at home-- I’m not depressed, YOU'RE depressed! Lol I'm fine, relax. Anyways, we were left off with “To be continued...” last week and I don’t have the patience for this dragged-out drama anymore so let’s just get it over with.
So last week, we were left off in the middle of the third dinner of the trip where Denise gets attacked the entire time. Nobody believes Denise’s story because she’s changed it so many times over the course of the last few episodes. At this point nobody even really seems to care whether or not Denise was even talking shit they just want her to--as Lisa Rinna screams across the table, OWN IT. Because in all honesty, who. The fuck. CARES?! All these women probably hate each other’s guts anyways and they’re all guilty of talking shit behind each other’s backs on and off camera.
Ugh Garcelle with that awful Party City wig in the confessional again. I’m sorry but the way Garcelle has been styled this season has been a disgrace. She is one of the best Beverly Hills additions we’ve seen in years and this is how they’re going to style her for her debut season? It’s rude and I really think she deserves better. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
Lisa literally scolds Denise like she’s a child and tells her without actually breaking the fourth wall that if she wants to be on this show she has to put her shit out there, otherwise don’t be a part of it. She’s not wrong. I feel for Denise because in any other real-life situation, this would be really fucked up and I would never fucking talk to any of these bitches again after this. But I mean, she signed on the dotted line to show her life and that’s why we’re all here today to watch it all go to shit. Everyone has to have a year in the hot seat and this year it’s Denise's year!
Garcelle starts to ask why the women are so eager to believe Brandi over Denise when they seemingly have more of a relationship with her and Kyle of course interrupts her. Lol Dorit was right, she actually never lets anybody complete a thought-- do I like Dorit now? Unclear.
Love that she shuts Kyle down--this is why we need to keep Garcelle, to keep people like Kyle from getting too big for her kaftans.
They move the dinner conversation into the lounge because the restaurant has closed to be turned into a club? That’s fun, I wanna go! Erika reignites the discussion asking Denise again if she had called her a cold-hearted bitch or whatever to Brandi and Denise swears on her mother’s grave that she didn’t and Brandi is lying. Everyone’s holding their breath on that one since they already know she’s lied.
Denise: Did I say anything about you guys? No, I did not. Brandi was actually the one that said all that stuff about you.
Also Denise:
Somebody go check that grave!!
Um, I'm sorry, but I cannot recap this part of the episode anymore. This is ridiculous. You all already know this wasn’t resolved and we’ll be talking about it again next week so let’s just move on. Also, side note: I’m really not loving this storyline of Garcelle having issues with Lisa Rinna’s dancing on instagram and how it affects her daughter’s eating disorder. Leave Amelia TF alone.
The next morning the women are making their plans for the day. Apparently Kyle and Dorit got hammered the night before. I would’ve preferred to have watched 10 minutes of that as the opening scene instead of the rest of that stupid fucking dinner. They have plans to go ride Vespas in the rain which sounds fucking terrible--this is why I like to travel alone so I don’t have to get dragged along to do activities I don't want to do let alone in the fucking RAIN.
Before meeting with Kyle and Dorit, Lisa Rinna meets with Denise to talk and smooth things over from the night before. Denise thinks Rinna is coming off as a mean friend because she’s not standing up for Denise in this situation and didn’t give her a heads up about what the women were going to bring to the table when she arrived. And yes, that pun was intended. *ba-dum-tshh* Don't worry, I already hate myself so you don't have to!
Rinna says she didn’t like that Denise brought up that Brandi said she had hooked up with some of the other women at the table, which apparently meant Rinna was definitely one of them? That whole section of the dinner was very unclear to me but allegedly Rinna maybe also slept with Brandi? Hm. Yeah, that tracks for me. Rinna and Harry Hamlin are probably the biggest freaks.
Denise thinks she’s stood up for Lisa way more than Lisa has stood up for her with these women and says “I'm not mad, I’m very hurt.” I feel that. It's what I say to my friends when they tell me they can’t go out because they’re trying to save money. We live in California! Saving money isn’t a thing!!
Lisa REALLY turns on the waterworks and tells Denise she feels bad for not warning her and she doesn’t know what’s going on with her but she feels very angry and sad right now. Sounds really dark but also, now I get why Lisa Rinna barely made it off daytime television. I said it! Don’t @ me. Denise asks if Lisa wants to go to Church with her, Garcelle, and Sutton, she agrees and blows off riding Vespa's with Dorit and Kyle entirely.
Dorit and Kyle arrive to the Vespa tour and Dorit is upset that they have to wear helmets because preserving her lewk for the day is more important than preserving her life. They don’t even actually drive the Vespa’s themselves they sit in the side carriages like a couple of clowns riding in a tiny car. Very un-Lizzie Mcguire of them.
Erika and John Mellencamp's daughter have a spa day booked and Erika talks about how Tom’s kids are her age and she really likes them--love that for her.
As Denise, Garcelle, Sutton and Rinna ride over to mass, Rinna said she needs Jesus the most, which is probably something my grandmother would say about me if she had access to my personal Instagram--and this blog. The women all share where their religious beliefs lie and my eyes start to glaze over and I zone this part out because I honestly don't know or care what the differences are of any organized religions.
Lisa says her husband lived in Rome for three years and loves the architecture-- that's why their house has a lot of influence from Rome. Wait, wtf?! Harry Hamlin had a child with Ursula Andress when she was 44 and he was 28?! The first time they had sex?! That's insane. I had no fucking clue Dimitri even existed so I will be up later looking into all of this. Oh also, they never actually got to go to mass because they didn't do any research and get tickets beforehand, so the line to get in was two hours long. A for effort though!
Kyle and Dorit go get lunch after their vespa-carriage rides and Rinna finally shows up to meet them. She explains she had a break down after being shat on by Denise earlier that morning so decided she needed the Lordt and that's why she didn't show up earlier. Rinna tells them she's going to stop pushing the topic and just let the facts come out on their own. Every single one of these frauds has been caught in a lie at one point or another so it always confuses me when they shriek out to "be honest!" "Own it!" and "tell the truth!" Literally, Lisa lied to Denise's face in the last episode!! TF?
The ladies are off to dinner and on the way over, Dorit excitedly announces to the car that the single dining room she decorated at a sad Buca Di Beppo in Encino was finally complete. To force people to actually go there, she wants to plan Teddi’s baby shower there as a surprise. That actually seems like an appropriate place for a third baby shower.
LOL. Sutton asked if Buca Di Beppo was like an Olive Garden. Yep! Close enough. And for the first time ever, I can relate to Sutton because I too have been so fortunate that I've never had to eat at a Buca Di Beppo ever in my life.
Garcelle, Denise, Teddi, and Erika arrive at the restaurant and Denise has been riled up and ready to pop off on everyone since the moment she got in the car to get there. I've been there and I'm here for it. This trip has turned into Denise and Garcelle vs. everybody else and for me personally, it's a conflict of interest because that makes it hard for me to pick a side--even though Denise is definitely lying. The rest of the women arrive and Denise makes nice for about 5 seconds before unleashing her wrath on the entire table.
Denise: I'm fine, let's do a toast. Also Denise: I JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT--
Denise goes off, she says she's been on the receiving end of the attack for three nights now (not wrong), Aaron didn’t want her to come on the trip because of the drama going on, and also it's the worst trip she's ever been on in her entire life. It feels like a mean girls situation for her so she wants to go the fuck home. All of that, very understandable. Unfortunately she signed a contract.
Garcelle gets up and leaves the table and Denise follows behind her. I gotta say, I'm with Kyle on this one--why the dramatic exit? I mean I guess I would probably want to leave the table and cry too if I had to hang out with these people and listen to this shit for several nights in a row of my vacation in fucking Rome-- but come on guys, this is part of the package of being a Housewife! Suck it up!
Denise tries to flee the scene but producer Chris is like uhh sorry you can't literally go off on everybody and then leave??? That's not good Television??? She's convinced to go back to the table to try to move on--I'm sure getting a fat check for it at the end helps too. Thank you, Chris! The true hero of this episode. Lisa takes the reins on smoothing things over by simply suggesting to the table they not call each other names and as the housewives do, they pretend everything has been resolved for now, for the sake of having a good last night together. Lol that's literally what me and my ex-boyfriend used to do when we were dating long distance my last year in college so that's how I know this friendship is toxic!
The night ends with the women telling stories from their youth, Denise tells a story about sneaking down to Tijuana when she was 16 with her boyfriend--which I could totally see myself doing if I grew up in SoCal. Then of course Garcelle, being the only fun one in the group, asks where's craziest place they’ve all had sex.
Erika says a hospital and for some reason, my mind immediately imagined a nursing home--couldn't imagine why (TOM). Surprisingly John Mellencamp's daughter also has had sex in a hospital. Sutton of course has the least impressive story saying she once had sex in a sleeping bag without a tent. *Sigh* I thought after the Olive Garden comment you were going to start redeeming yourself, Sutton! I guess I can't say I'm shocked that a woman pushing 50 who still happily recieves tiaras for her birthday has the worst sex story in the group.
Rinna and her best friend both had sex next to each other with their boyfriends in the back of a pick up truck (See! I knew Rinna was a freak!!) and Denise had sex in a church parking lot. I'm not sure what this says about me, but all of these stories are weak. Sorry to my family that reads this! The women cheers to "One, two, three, fuck yeah!" because there's really nothing else they can say since they all hate each other and now they can finally go back home.
Alright that's it! Looks like we have just one more episode left this season before the finale which airs on 8/26 so I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! Hopefully next season they will get rid of Teddi and Sutton, bring back Camille Grammer, and get one of Garcelle's friends to join and we'll really have a cast! Bravo if you're reading this, please feel free to reach out if you want to pick my brain. I have TONS of ideas! Okay, See you next week guys--and don't forget to follow on Instagram for updates and fun weekly games in the meantime! KthxBYEEEEEEE.
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