Helllooooo! Welcome back! Sorry for the hiatus, depression and a heat wave is a wild combination that I’m trying to navigate like the rest of Southern California (yes, we’re all depressed over here too) but here I am! So, since Love Island comes on literally every single night, it might take a few of these to figure out the best formula to recap them in. For now I’ll just try to do one very brief recap of what happens over the course of a week. I would say I’ll routinely put these out once a week, but we saw how well that worked out with Housewives--good thing nobody reads this and I’m not getting paid!!
For those of you who have never watched Love Island before (if you have then skip down to the cast intro section), the formula is basically this-- it starts off with five female contestants and six male contestants. In the beginning, the men come out one by one and the women will step forward if they're interested in being coupled up with them but the guy can choose any of them to couple up with, he doesn't have to pick anyone that steps forward. Normally they just choose whoever steps forward for them because it's a better chance they'll get to makeout with them on night one. *However* if a guy sees a girl who's already in a couple that he wants to couple up with, he can swoop in and do that and the other guy gets put to the side until the very end when he gets coupled up with the last girl standing. They basically allow and encourage messiness and I love it. After all the couples are paired up, they bring out one more male contestant who is "single" and he has to try to couple up with one of the girls over the next 24 hours.
Every other day or so, new contestants, male and female will enter the villa and take the other singles out on dates whether they're in a solid couple or not and try to make a connection to stay on the "island"(this season we're in Las Vegas because COVID). At each recoupling (with the exception of the first one) the person who doesn't get picked, gets sent home.
Another fun aspect of this show, is viewers can actually download the Love Island USA app and vote on people to go on dates, vote for their favorite couples, etc. At the end, there will be four couples left who have a chance at winning $100,000. The couple who gets voted the favorite by viewers will each be given and envelope, one will have $0 and the other will have the full amount. You will finally see if these singles were in it for the money or to find love because whoever has the $100,000 can either split it equally with their partner or can walk away with the whole amount.
So, now that we got that part out of the way, let’s start off by introducing the first week’s contestants!
(Cely, Kiersten, Justine, Mckenzie, Kaitlynn, Moira, Rachel)
Moira: 28 year old shopping channel model from Brielle, New Jersey. I honestly cannot take her seriously because all I can think of is Moira Rose from Schitt’s Creek. This girl had a boyfriend for eight years, her ex was the only person she’s been with and now she’s newly single and will either fall in love immediately because clearly she doesn’t know how to be alone if she’s already on this show or go home early because she's not over her ex.
Cely: 24 year old from Sacramento and she’s been single for two years. She’s cute and the most normal as she has a real job (legal secretary) and isn’t an influencer, shopping model, or sugar baby. We’re similar in that she says she breaks dress codes (that shouldn’t even exist in the first place) everywhere she goes. I like her.
Justine: 27 years old, a billing coordinator from Jersey but also a low-key go-go dancer. Her parent’s of course don’t know about her side hustle. Bitch has a finance degree so she definitely has the brains and the beauty. Must be nice to know how to do math.
Kaitlynn: 27 years old, from Lapeer, Michigan. The opposite of Moira, she’s been single for 7 years. She wants to meet a man who owns a farm and she’s cool with a dad bod. Just by that information alone, I feel like this show won’t be successful for her.
Mackenzie: 24 year old student from Scottsdale, Arizona. Oh god, she’s one of those “sarcasm is my personality” girls and apparently all of her last boyfriends have been millionaires. Lol. I hate her already. Also, if you’re a sugar baby you can just say that--it’s 2020 nobody cares.
Kierstan: 23 year old bartender from Austin, Texas. She just got new boobs and comes in on episode two.
Rachel: 21 year old student from Minneapolis, Minnesota. She claims she knows that she wants and knows who she is which will make her laugh when she watches this back about five to six years later. She also comes in on episode two.
(James, Jeremiah, Tre, Connor, Johnny, Carrington)
Jeremiah: 22 years old from Mississippi. He’s handsome as fuck and seems charming but based off his ripped, white-wash jeans, I already know he would ruin my life.
James: 27 year old personal trainer from Orlando Florida. He’s a florida man and he’s blonde so automatically I’m not attracted to him at all. He says he’s a clingy guy which makes me like him even less.
Tre: 25 year old personal trainer from South Beach, Florida. Another Florida man, and a former college athlete so we already know he’s probably going to end up being awful. Don’t @ me! I don’t make the rules.
Connor: 23 year old auditor in public accounting. Hot AF until he opens his mouth. Also wearing white pants so he will also inevitably ruin your life.
Carrington: 23 year old sales manager from Salt Lake City, Utah. He doesn’t even have to speak and I already know I don’t want him on my screen because of his name. His entire speech is basically a soliloquy of ignorance and vanity. His whole aesthetic actually seems very on brand for someone from Utah-- there’s a lot of MLM’s there. Bloop.
Johnny: 22 year old student from Virginia. He has three sisters so naturally he thinks he treats every girl right and understands women which is literally never the case with guys no matter how many sisters they have.
So now that that’s out of the way, I would just like to say I appreciate that this show actually has some women above the age of 23 (*AHEM* ABC!) so I finally don’t feel like I’m watching a freshman pledge class competing for a five minute time slot to swap spit with a mediocre-looking self-proclaimed “entrepreneur” or “former athlete.”
Now on to the first coupling. It gets messy right away because Jeremiah came out and Justine was the only girl who stepped forward for him but he decided to pick Cely instead. Then Tre (of course), also wanted to couple up with Cely so because he came out second, he stole her away from Jeremiah, leaving him on the sidelines until the end to be put with Justine who he blatantly rejected in the first place.
The initial coupling goes as follows:
Moira + James
Carrington + Kaitlyn Tre + Cely
Connor + Mckenzie Jeremiah + Justine
Johnny is the single one and has to try to find a girl to couple up with him at the next recoupling or he goes home.
Everyone splits off to get to know each other for the afternoon. The girls and the guys talk about if they're feeling the person they're coupled up with or not. Justine saves face by saying she only likes Jeremiah as a friend now (she hasn't even talked to him yet??) and Jeremiah is also saving face by saying Justine is actually a really cool girl. Everyone else is pretty much content with their initial match.
The hardest conversations to listen to by far is Connor and Mackenzie's-- I'm shocked that Mckenzie made it to college and even more shocked Connor made it and graduated. It's people like them that remind us you don't have to be smart to go to college you just have to have money. Degrees don't mean shit which makes me feel better about using mine to write recaps on reality TV shows!
The first night, the singles get together for a dance party on the lawn before going their separate ways to get to know each other better. After the party, Justine and Jeremiah are talking and quickly discover every other couple in the villa has more chemistry than they do. Moira and James talk for five minutes and she’s already planning their wedding.
Cely takes some time to talk to Johnny, the single bachelor in the villa. Johnny tells her he’s from Virginia and Celly isn’t sure it’s a real place that exists. I can’t say I blame her. I grew up in the same state and even I can't find too many nice things to say about it.
The couples all get together for a sloppy game of "suck and blow" the card game where the contestants pass a card around the circle only using their mouths and whoever drops it, has to do a dare. Side note: why isn't there a button-less vape company called Suck and Blow? After the islanders are done slobbering all over each other, they break off again to have more ~intimate~ conversations.
Tre pulls both Kaitlynn and Cely aside and kisses both of them (shocker). Kaitlynn also kisses Carrington because he got jealous when Johnny pulled her aside to get to know her-- a girl he met literally five seconds ago??? Unclear. Also, Kaitlynn has no interest in Carrington.
Justine is in the bathroom crying because she hasn't found a connection in a matter of 8-10 hours. And I'm sorry-- but she needs to get a grip. The last time I cried that quick over not finding a connection it was about the Wi-Fi. Mackenzie comforts her and everyone gets ready for bed.
The next morning Kaitlynn expresses to Mackenzie and Moira that she's not very interested in Tre either after their kiss the night before. However, despite not being interested she still wants to let Cely know what happened because, you know, girl code. Cely literally doesn't care because she's only known that fool for a day and like every other guy in the villa wants her.
The rest of the afternoon the couples continue to get to know each other as Johnny casually interrupts each of them to figure out who's girl he's going to steal that night at the recoupling.
That evening the recoupling goes as follows:
Johnny + Cely Jeremiah + Justine
Connor + McKenzie James + Moira Carrington + Kaitlynn
Leaving Tre single and Kaitlynn forced to spend another night sleeping next to Carrington. Both sound like Love Island nightmares.
Enter Rachel and Kierstan-- the two newest singles who send Carrington and Jeremiah a text to join them for a hot tub date. Since Jeremiah isn't interested in Justine and Kaitlynn wants nothing to do with Carrington, these dates work out for both of them and they bring them back to the villa to meet the rest of the singles.
MacKenzie is the second one to cry because everyone mocked her for (jokingly-- not but actually jokingly) telling the girls Connor is off limits after one day. Connor doesn’t go after Mackenzie (a complete stranger) which makes her even more upset. I’m so confused why these people are acting as if they didn’t JUST meet one day ago. If I cried in the first 24 hours (which, I definitely would be that girl,) the last thing I would want is the guy I’m coupled up with to fucking see me.
The following morning they played the "Baggage" game where the contestants read an alarming fact about one of the other contestants out loud and try to guess which baggage belongs to who via making out. The most shocking revelation was that Moira took a shit on the side of the road because the line at the club was too long and the least shocking was that Tre slept with a (former????) friend’s girlfriend just to prove he could.
Jeremiah pulls Justine aside to reiterate he only likes her as a friend because he wants to pursue Rachel. Justine agrees and in her talking head expresses frustration that she hasn’t found love like everybody around her in less than 48 hours time. But lucky for her, Tre, the most trustworthy bachelor, pulls her aside and tells her that if there was a recoupling, he would choose her-- and IMO she’s a little too excited for someone who's literally Tre's last resort.
There’s a really random in-show commercial for Caesars Palace??? Not relevant to the story but just wondering if anyone else hated it as much as I did??? I hate when less popular reality shows do that.
They play another game of truth or dare and everyone pretty much licks each other for the entire time. The remainder of the evening in spent with the couples breaking off for more ~deep conversations~
Carrington and Kierstan solidify that they will be recoupling together because although Carrington doesn't have a lot going on up there, he can at least take a hint from a girl who's uninterested. I'm shook because there are several men in my life that seem more intelligent than he is that won't do the same.
Mr. Honesty (Tre) pulls Kaitlynn aside to tell her he would like to exchange saliva with her some more even though he just told Justine that if there was a recoupling he would choose her. Unfortunately, because Kaitlynn expressed slight interest in him during truth or dare, he's now zeroed in on her pillowy lips.
The next day Johnny gives all the boys in the villa a shape up so they look their best for that evening's recoupling where the men will be choosing the women they want to couple up with. Both Justine and Kaitlynn are on the chopping block and unfortunately it's up to Tre to decide who stays. My prediction is he'll let his dick decide and Justine will be going home. Sometimes it's hard to fuck a personality--I get it.
Tre to Justine:
Moira and James have a conversation of slowing things down. Basically James really wants to fuck and Moira doesn't yet because she doesn't want to get hurt and since she's only slept with one person ever-- I have a feeling James will probably be barking up that tree for a while. She's not going to fuck you on national television, sorry James!
Tre spends the rest of the day being messy and asking people who he should pick at the recoupling ceremony tonight. He definitely seems like the type to use this information against others to stir the pot later if it will benefit him and keep him on the island longer. He was a college athlete, he's strategic.
The second recoupling goes as follows:
Connor + McKenzie
Johnny + Cely
Carrington + Kiersten Jeremiah + Rachel
James + Moira
Tre + Justine
Which means Kaitlynn got sent home. I hate to be wrong, so this is a tough moment for me to grapple with but I guess Tre did the right thing and chose his real connection with Justine over his boner for Kaitlynn lips. He's not getting a trophy from me for it though.
Since this is Love Island and nobody is ever safe--immediately after the recoupling, Kierstan and miss smitten kitten Moira are texted by two new singles entering the villa. This is why I love this show, the couple's can't get comfortable for even a second without a potential wrecking ball in the form of pearly whites, tan skin, and tight abs being sent in to fuck their whole shit up. We love a messy moment!
James when Moira leaves for her date:
Caleb: 24 year old IT sales consultant from Oklahoma City. Also handsome AF but seems like he would be toxic to be in a relationship with. With the exception of being from Oklahoma, he's my type.
Calvin: 25 years old, from Houston Texas who just left his job as a bug spray salesmen. He's blonde, clean shaved, and he sells pesticides for a living. Pass.
Kierstan seems taken aback by Caleb and his overt confidence. Based on their initial conversation my assumptions about him seem to be spot on-- he literally doesn't even let her get a word in and only wants to talk about himself.
Moira seems to be enjoying herself with Calvin and since she just had a conversation about slowing things down with James earlier that day, I'm going to assume he's going to lose it when she gets back and he finds out she didn't have a terrible time with another guy.
The boys are also allowed to text someone else to have a date with for the second part of the night, Caleb chooses Rachel and Calvin decides to swoop in on Caleb's date and chooses Kierstan. Thank god because she looked about ready to break off the bottom of her wine glass and stab herself in the neck with stem just to get out of there. They leave us on a cliff hanger and on Sunday we find out how the second part of the dates go.
That's it for week one! Next week we'll find out who has the responsibility of talking James off the ledge and which boy gets sent home when it's finally the girls turn to choose for the recoupling! See you (hopefully) soon!!
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