Welcome back to another episode of Large Table Talk, more commonly known as, Beverly Hills Housewives! Last week, Erika and Lisa wore the exact same outfit, an astrologer came to set up a spiral of arguments and then left, and Kyle put her whole ass foot in her mouth. This week we get our first trip of the season which, if herstory tells us anything, it’s going to be a complete shit show. Yay! Let’s get into it, shall we?
Kyle is scrambling around speaking to her staff in Spanish as she gets ready to go out of town. Surprisingly, her accent needs some work? And as somebody who took Spanish from the time I was in kindergarten through senior year of high school and was also a Spanish minor in college, and still can’t speak fluently at all-- I’m clearly allowed to be the judge on this.
The other women are getting ready to meet up at Kyle’s before their trip to Santa Barbara. Because this is an event Dorit actually wants to attend, she shows up first. We all know what conversation comes next and I refuse to type out “couple’s therapy” more than one time for this entire post so, let’s just move on.
Erika is the last to show up-- even after an unconcerned Lisa Rinna...whose dog got into her mother’s pills. One can only hope Lois’ pill collection isn’t the same lethal medley Rinna carries around in her purse!
Erika says she’s willing to look past Kyle saying she doesn’t have any real friends the other night and I would too if it wasn’t my turn to set up the trip accommodations and got to collect a check on top of it just for going. Collect your coin Miss Erika!
The ladies board the bus to Santa Barbara sans Garcelle and Denise. Garcelle can’t go because unlike Dorit and the rest of the women, she’s actually busy filming her show in Nashville and also producing two movies on top of it. Denise is running late because she’s filming for her daytime soap.
The women arrive in Santa Barbara to a gorgeous house that costs more than double my rent A NIGHT, to stay in. Additionally, Kyle made sure to get housekeeping and chefs so the ladies can live in luxury without having to lift a finger. Meanwhile, just two hours south, I’m sitting on my craigslist couch debating if I want Ramen or air for dinner tonight because I'm too lazy to cook and too poor to order something. Burn the rich!
Kyle finds a bug in her bed which is slightly humbling because I too have found a bug in my room before. Ah, the stars-- they’re just like us! The only difference is, my luxury amenities were to the likes of a continental breakfast and free Wi-Fi instead of a fully staffed mansion. But whatever! Tomato- tomahto, right?!
They ride Surrey bikes around the wharf and go wine tasting at a restaurant on the water. Denise meets them for happy hour, where they get hammered and facetime Garcelle--who would probably very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
Denise suggests they leave because she’s the only one not black out drunk and the women are literally screaming. Kyle is offended (most likely because she’s drunk) and thinks Denise is being boring.
After happy hour, they go back to the house and Kyle harasses the women to come look at the sunset with her.
Nobody:
Kyle: THIS IS A MAGICAL.
(Yes, the sentence stopped there.)
Erika and Rinna would rather eat charcuterie (same), and the rest decide to go get ready to sit at another big table and argue while being served a five-star meal.
While eating dinner, Denise talks about the different roles that she’s played and how her big break was on Starship Troopers. For some reason these women are only satisfied when Denise is talking about her sex life so, Lisa out of nowhere asks, “So, what’s it like filming a threeway?”
(I swear I will have a kink in my neck after this episode from the constant tension my body is in from cringing. Please comment below where I can see a good Chiropractor, thanks!)
Obviously, Denise says it was awkward and you can already tell where the conversation is being steered. Somehow, Denise doesn’t believe her teenager has seen any of her sexy scenes or photoshoots before as if we aren’t a porn-watching society and her daughter doesn’t have any hypersexual teenage boy friends. If Sami hasn’t seen it, her prom date definitely has.
Rinna disturbingly compares Denise’s daughter most likely seeing Denise’s sex scene, to her daughters reading her book and learning how to give a blowjob (when they were 11!!!) saying, “You know what? Hey, at least I taught them how to do it right!”...And Erika’s reaction was all of our reactions.
To fill the awkward silence that immediately followed, Kyle says she wants to apologize for the other night and how the conversation got out of hand so quickly. Denise says she was taken aback and oop-- Eloise, Denise’s special needs daughter is the one that picked out the ice sculpture that Kyle made a slight comment about. I wonder if Kyle’s foot tastes different this evening or if it tastes the same as it always does when she puts it in her mouth?
I do not understand where the correlation of Denise’s daughter being old enough to be aware of sex and probably has seen Denise’s photoshoots and sex scenes before, that it means it’s appropriate for them to have adult conversations in front of her. Imagine how rich we’d all be if we had a dollar every time this topic or the topic of Teddi and Kyle’s relationship was brought up this season--we could all afford to stay in that mansion in Santa Barbara too!
Denise kind of exaggerated her daughter’s response to what she heard in their conversation but it really doesn’t matter. Of course her daughter didn’t actually care that much or feel offended but if Denise still wants to censor what is said around her when she and her friends are around having dinner, she should be able to ask that without there being a season-long witch hunt about it. My god.
After all is said and done, southern-belle Sutton concludes the evening with the same words I say to myself after spending $300+ on plants using my emergencies-only credit card, “I would apologize but I did nothing wrong.” Same, Sutton. Same.
Teddi and Kyle hang out on the couch and talk shit about Denise and the rest of the ladies before heading off to bed. I don’t understand why they can’t just admit they’re best friends and closer to each other than they are with the other women because they clearly are and there’s literally nothing wrong with it.
The next morning the ladies wake up, Rinna makes everyone crack coffee because she didn’t measure it out at all before pouring it in the machine. The ladies are now sitting at a large breakfast table--next episode should we all take a shot everytime they start to fight at a big table? Just kidding! I won’t be responsible for someone’s alcohol poisoning.
Sutton says she didn’t sleep well because the end of the night was tense so of course Lisa says it’s time for them to get it all out once and for all. Unfortunately, my gut tells me this will not be the last time these topics are discussed.
Dorit asks Kyle why she said Erika wasn’t as close with Dorit as she is with Kyle and Erika (now that the trip is almost over and she’s got her check), brings up Kyle’s comment about Erika not having close friends.
Now we’re back to Dorit’s problems with Teddi and her friendship with Kyle. I really don’t care enough about any of these fights to keep retyping the same things over and over again.
Kyle apologizes for making Dorit feel as if their friendship is less than her and Teddi’s and Dorit seems to take it because she knows she’s not going to get anything better.
Of course instead of letting this episode just end already, Lisa Rinna has to stir the pot just one more time and say she didn’t like how Denise “shut everyone down last night” at the table. I cannot believe that these women are actually offended by this concept of Denise still wanting to monitor what her teenager hears her parents and her parents’ friends talking about at dinner. It doesn’t matter what Sami is or isn’t looking up on her private browser at 2am-- it’s the principle of it.
We come to a close with Lisa declaring there’s hurt feelings and that addressing it definitely is always a good thing even though there was not a single part of that conversation that felt very good to anybody.
Lisa Rinna: Do we feel better?
Everyone:
Aaaand that’s it! What a long episode to have almost no progression at all in this storyline! There were no winners here except the bug in Kyle’s bedroom. Come back next week to find out if these women find something else to talk about or if I’ll be forced to find 100 different synonymous phrases for the words couple’s therapy!
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