Wow! Here we are halfway through the season and somehow no arrests have been made. To say I’m shook would be an understatement. Let's dive in!
Leah and Luann meet up at Fig & Olive and while waiting for Tinsley to arrive they discuss Sonja blacking out and vomiting on the party bus on the way home from the apple orchard. Sonja, a senior citizen, looked like me by 10pm in 11th grade after drinking a four loko at a basement party. This scene is so traumatizing even “I love crazy!” Leah is most likely considering breaching her contract to never have to be near these women again.
Just before Tinsley arrives, Leah coughs into her hands and proceeds to touch everything on the table so now I have no choice but to notify WHO and the CDC. The ladies discuss Dorinda’s behavior at the orchard where she turned into a complete bitch.
Luann suggests Dorinda be locked away in a padded room, which is quite rich coming from a woman who just got off probation for a DUI and assaulting a police officer.
Simultaneously, Ramona, Dorinda, Sonja, meet up to work out and basically have the exact same conversation. Unless I'm a part of the 1% like Sonja, If I’m at the age where I could have grandchildren, and I ever blackout and pass out on a party bus, then I've hit rock bottom. No need to resuscitate!
Dorinda sees her life coach and takes no accountability for her horrible behavior and aggression towards Tinsley-- she does it because she wants Tinsley to be her best self! Okay, Dorinda. Sounds like something Karen would say to justify her aggression towards a cashier - “I just want the cashier to be her best self and accept my expired coupon, OKAY?!”
Dorinda concludes that in order to deal with everything she needs to be selfish right now and that’s why she had to break up with the John whom she’s implied multiple times now that she’s not fucking. Sounds like a win-win for everyone.
Leah plans a Russian spa day for the girls to relax. The idea of a Russian spa seems like a bit of an oxymoron but the woman who planned this event explicitly said she loves to black out, so this tracks.
Leah and Tinsley make very zen decisions right off the bat and throw back ginger-infused vodka shots from a display of containers of fruit-infused vodkas instead of waters. Which again, seems very on brand for a Russian Spa. The other women start arriving and all of them manage to find nice ways to call Leah poor as they take in the facility Sonja lovingly refers to it as, “down to earth” “bare bone” and “prison.”
Down in the locker room, Ramona gives Leah sound advice about putting serum and moisturizer in and around her cleavage so her boobs won’t look like Sonja’s in 20 years.
After the ladies have their robes on, they enter the massage room and where shirtless men holding branches are waiting for them to lay down. The women showed an unhealthy and concerning amount of excitement at the prospect of men beating them with branches.
Me witnessing 50 shades of Geriatrics:
After being beaten, they’re supposed to get face-down foot scrubs to which Dorinda says she’s only gotten one of those one time and it was when she got pregnant with Hannah. Which is the exact same joke she made a couple episodes ago with a slightly different context. Has Dorinda only had sex one time? Or does she only have one naughty joke to tell this season? Unclear.
To complete the outing, the women have lunch in a room where there’s a hot tub in the dining area? Questionable. As the women sit down to have lunch, Luann essentially thanks Leah for bringing the ladies where the poors hang out. Branding it a “funky” experience. A for effort, Lu!
Leah feels like they still need to clear the air from what happened at the orchard trip from Hell. Ramona tries to tell Dorinda that she tends to hit below the belt and it really hurts people’s feelings and immediately everyone starts to talk over each other. And since Dorinda has zero self-awareness at all, she deflects and basically replies, “I know you are but what I am!?”
After everyone has calmed down and no actual progress has been made to resolve the issues, everyone toasts each other, sweeping the problem under the rug again, and Dorinda leaves the room.
Me:
Back at Leah’s normal person apartment, a girl who looks nothing like her sister but apparently is her sister arrives to visit. We learn Leah is dating a man that owns some Pita chains in NYC or has some relation to Pita’s? Anyways, she calls him Pita Chip.
She recently sent Pita Chip a nude with a pita over her vagina (the creativity!!)--unfortunately the horror doesn't stop there-- she apparently caught him trying to send it to a friend. Which, I’m pretty sure is a crime?!? (Will look this up later when I can’t fall asleep.) But apparently it doesn’t matter because Leah's okay with it! She likes red flags!
Ramona has a housewarming party at her new apartment and her weird backup friends that aren’t a part of the show are first to show up. Almost immediately, Elyse rummages through Ramona’s bedside table drawers looking for condoms. Lol. Imagine if they were at Nene’s house.
Unfortunately, Sonja has yet to enter the 21st century and brings over a dress for Ramona and with all the tact in the world, makes sure to let the room know she brought the dress in a size large, not once, but twice because Ramona couldn’t zip up the medium. I’m not sure why these women’s body obsession matches that of toxic tabloids but it’s something that should probably be addressed. In actual therapy. Without the cameras.
The episode concludes with Ramona and Dorinda shouting in the living room as the rest of the guests stand around in a circle and watch. Dorinda attempts to leave with Sonja following suit and is chased out into the hallway by Ramona and Elyse.
I’m really not even sure how this happened because it was very loud one minute but in the next, Dorinda and Ramona embrace as they cry into each other’s arms and tell each other how much they love each other as they walk back into Ramona’s house. I guess they’re friends again? Again, unclear.
The shitshow is finally over with! Looks like we’re getting the ladies going on a trip next week so I can only imagine that it will somehow only get even worse from here on out! Tune in next week to find out if Dorinda has a new joke to tell, if Pita Chip is in police custody for sending out nudes without permission, or if Leah is patient zero of coronavirus! See ya next week!
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