Welcome to my 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days recap! It’s the third week of me thinking this is the final episode and I’m starting to get nervous that if it doesn’t end soon, we will see Ash’s eyeballs finally depart from his body.
This week, the episode kicks off with Geoffrey arriving home with his fists clenched because Varya didn't accept his proposal. As he’s greeted by his two sons at the airport, he gives them t-shirts from a Russian souvenir shop that if worn in public, would make anybody around them feel uncomfortable. Very cool, Kanye! He declares that his relationship with Varya is in the past and he’s ready to move on with his criminal life. Let’s hope it stays that way, because I definitely didn’t want to see you on my screen for the regular season on 90 Day anyway, Geoffrey!
We move onto Tom, who’s talking to his friend on what looks like a cold and windy pier. I’m willing to bet my savings account that this friend was most definitely bribed by TLC producers to be there because anybody else would kill themselves before they willingly spent a moment of their day listening to Tom discuss his relationship that’s been over since the season began, IN THE COLD nonetheless. And if I’m wrong, well jokes on you cause I’m a millennial and I live in California so I don’t HAVE a savings account. Since Tom and Darcy’s entire relationship is a wash at this point, I’m not going to spend too much time writing about them.
Usman and Baby Girl Lisa, the most believable couple on the show (next to Ed and Rose of course), are back in their hotel room so Lisa can screech on the phone to the perfectly nice woman who works at the courthouse to send her the divorce decree.
A simple google search on her phone, from Baby Girl’s living room couch in America, would’ve told her that to get married literally ANYWHERE you need to bring that document but apparently Lisa is incapable of doing any task that involves lifting one of her thick, cigarette-stained fingers.
After catching an attitude and implying that the woman helping her on the phone was being rude by putting her on hold to fulfill her demands, Lisa changes her tone very quickly when the lady can in fact email her the decree. Lisa maniacally laughs and kisses her hostage-to-be, surely only speaking for herself as she exclaims, “This is wonderful news! You’ve made our night!”
Usman:
Sometime in between their divorce decree celebration and when they sat down at dinner, Lisa hurt her own feelings when she went snooping through Usman’s phone. The whole fight is a loud, obnoxious blur but some highlights from it are Lisa literally shouting in Usman’s face that she’s old and very aggressive, and that she has “50 fucking mens in the states right now that [she] can marry.” To which I say, if things don’t work out with Usman, would ABC be interested in a bachelorette season with Lisa and these “50 mens” she speaks of? They did it for Ari and he’s not that much younger than Lisa, just saying.
Usman basically says Lisa is lucky that someone as attractive and popular as him is interested in her (which like, he’s not wrong), and Lisa tells Usman he’s untalented and poor and storms off. And guys, if we’re being honest here, NEITHER OF THEM ARE WRONG. So it will be interesting to see how they move past this.
And we’re back to Darcy which, again, I won’t spend too much time on. For some reason TLC thinks it’s important for us to watch her put on a facemask overtop an entire face of makeup while she talks with her teenage daughters about being sad and alone.
Meanwhile, Tom is packing up his belongings and leaving New York again for what feels like the fourth episode in a row saying he’s finally leaving Darcy to go pursue Shannon, his new girlfriend in Toronto, Canada. BYE TOM. Thank you for getting off my damn screen, finally.
Back in Australia, Ash’s corneas enter the bedroom followed by the rest of Ash’s body to talk to Avery about their plans for the day seeing Ash’s child, Taj. Avery confronts him about the two blatant lies Ash told her. The first, about the reality of his ex wife’s feelings about Ash and Taj moving to the United States which, to no one’s surprise, was the exact opposite of what Ash described.
Avery then lets just enough time pass that Ash thinks the serious talks are over with before she confronts him about the second lie, which is why he told her he got divorced 10 years ago and not that he’s been SEPARATED for 10 years and only divorced for one year. Both Ash and Sian claim they had no interest in getting back together but didn’t divorce sooner because instead they decided to procrastinate on writing their signatures on a piece of paper for an entire decade. Very normal stuff. I’m just glad neither of them has to sign my paycheck. Anyway, Avery tells him that she isn’t upset if that’s really the case and if he had told her that in the beginning, she wouldn’t have had a different reaction.
Ash agrees to be honest from now on (but will still continue to be sexist and awful in every other way,) and Avery believes they’ve had a breakthrough.
Yolanda is back on her couch texting The WeeYums. Even though he has now ghosted her, she has seen that his photos are stock photos, and then blackmailed her with her nudes. Can production please take away any devices with wifi from this woman?
And I’m not an expert on this, but after reading their conversations, both of them text like a Nigerian Prince. Apparently I’m not the only one who suspects this as The WeeYums HIMSELF says “How do I know you’re really Yolanda?”
The WeeYums and Yolanda accusing each other of lying:
Yolanda continues to pray aloud that The WeeYums is who he says he is even though she just said she's aware that he isn't among other questionable shit that would make anybody fearful that this big of an idiot procreated six times. And that’s all I’m going to say on that because it’s only halfway through the episode and my patience is wearing thin.
Back in the Philippines, Humpty Dumpty is sitting on the pool ledge, crying about his break up with Rose (and perhaps about his reflection as well). He says he’s going to give her some space and let her cool off which gives her just enough time to pack her bags and get the fuck back to her village in Caloocan because Rose would rather shower with a petrified rat for the rest of her life than go back to the States with Egg Salad Ed.
After not giving Rose enough time or space to cool off, Ed goes back to her room to look for her only to find the room as a reflection of what the rest of his life will look like, empty and with Rose nowhere in sight. Then he cries.
In another part of Australia, Stephanie who already broke up with Erika once, somehow convinces her to drive three hours to tell her she would like to end things on a better note despite Stephanie making Erika fear for her safety for the last two weeks. In a much nicer way than I ever would be able to do, Erika tells her that it’s not going to work out even on a friendship level and that she’s basically sick of her shit and over having to apologize all the time. Good for you Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!
Stephanie: Well, reach out if you ever wanna talk… Erika:
Stephanie leaves and I guess Erika has to drive three hours back home just to tell her family and friends that the random American she had over the other night isn’t coming back over for dinner ever again. Tragic.
We're finally at the moment we've all been waiting for, Lana! Clearly forced against her will by the AnastasiaDate website to meet David in person, Lana arrives with the look of sheer confusion in her eyes when she finally sees David in his pleather bathrobe and mustard-colored blouse. David does the appropriate thing when you meet someone in person for the first time and takes her in his arms and says "mmmm" in the crook of her neck several times.
Producers: What kind of relationships do you have with these men on the website
Lana:
Lana blink twice if you need help.
Regardless of Lana's evasiveness when being questioned about her experience using the dating website, she wants us to believe that David is probably her soul mate. She just has to make sure that she likes his personality first. A man dressed in a leather kimono carrying a Victoria's Secret gift bag from 2006? I wouldn’t be concerned at all, Lana! David spends the rest of his time with her saying “mmm” in her ear and embracing her in unwanted affection.
On the other side of the pond, back in Tennessee, Geoffrey is getting ready for his rebound date with Mary, who shows up to the date wearing a floor-length collared shirt. I'm genuinely frightened by this look but somehow Geoffrey manages to tell her she looks nice with a straight face so kudos to him, I guess.
Producer: Do you talk to Varya At all?
Geoffrey: Who?
Also Geoffrey: Varya has been very hard to get over, feelings don't just go away but I also think it feels right to start dating Mary immediately.
The rest of the date is Mary and Geoffrey desperately trying to convince us (but mostly themselves) that they're not forcing their relationship and that they've actually been interested in each other all along but timing was never in their favor. Geoffrey was also probably hesitant to commit to a life of telling a woman wearing a collared maxi dress that she looks better than he does, but realizes now he has no other choice.
They clink glasses in the most unconvincing "cheers" I've ever seen (congratulations to Hannah Brown for no longer holding the title for most awkward toast on national television) and their date comes full circle as it ends feeling just as uncomfortable as it began.
Avery, Ash, and Taj go spend the day in the park together where Ash points things out like "duckies" to Taj as if he is still learning to speak and not about to learn what jerking off is at recess next year. Ash tells a riveting tale about how one time he fed ducks next to a sign that said "do not feed the ducks" to which Avery and Taj force a laugh.
After dropping Taj back off at his mom's house, Avery and Ash reflect on what their relationship is going to look like going forward when she goes back to the United States.
Avery tells Ash she's going to miss him terribly, Ash’s eyes bulge tenderly in her direction, and they spend the rest of the car ride like this:
V romantic.
Unfortunately, TLC fucking hates us so now we’re back to watching Geoffrey again, who for some reason needs to take his two teenage boys out into the woods to tell them that he’s now dating Mary and Varya is completely out of the picture (even though he’s definitely still texting her). I think the living room would’ve been fine, Geoff. His son’s know that this is nonsense because they’re laughing in his face.
Geoffrey: Varya is in the past and I’m ready to start my new, mediocre life with Mary.
Varya:
Back in Nigeria, SoljaBoy and Baby Girl Lisa are still quarreling over Lisa’s discovery on his phone. Honestly, Usman deserves a Purple Heart for his patience and willingness to tolerate Lisa’s obscenity on all fronts, at all times. Usman, I just want to tell you that as someone who lives in America, Lisa is not even worth putting up with to live here.
Truly I can’t even shit on this scene because I’m shook at how calmly Usman handled the situation. So shook, that I’m willing to ignore the fact that Usman still implied he’s tolerating all this for his music career and a green card.
The episode leaves us on a cliff hanger with Varya arriving to Geoffrey’s house for what definitely isn’t the first time based on how the dogs reacted to her and the camera crew being there.
Here’s a screen grab of next week’s episode where Mary defends her new relationship:
Allllright y'all, that’s all for this week! Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave your comments below. Hugs and haliks!