Here we are!!! I never thought this day would come but I can finally say WITH CONFIDENCE that we have actually reached the season finale this week. Congratulations to all of us! We have managed to watch this show for longer than we were in full lockdown and that is something that I probably wouldn’t admit to anybody I was trying to impress. Let’s get into the episode!
Last week we left off with the entire room coming to terms with the fact that Mary, someone they consider a friend, would not only embarrass herself publicly but also on national television by showing up to the bar (restaurant? Bowling alley? What is this place?).
Varya pulls Mary aside to tell in the coldest way possible to stay away. Mary’s desperation to hold on to her rebound relationship with Geoffrey is...upsetting to say the least. Why is the bar so low for these women?? He’s Just Not That Into You, Mary, go watch it.
Varya can’t stand talking with Mary any longer and makes an exit while Toxic Geoffrey spectates from afar and makes very little effort to quell the situation.
Omfggg Usman goes and calms Lisa down AGAIN. If only Usman could’ve seen what was coming in 2020 he probably wouldn’t have wasted so much time chasing a huffy Baby Girl Lisa all around Nigeria.
Lmaoo Lisa’s like “sorry for yelling, I was stressed out and it was hot.” I never thought there would be a moment in which Lisa would become relatable for me but in that moment, it happened--and I’m not okay with it.Usman ultimately forgives her because it’s the day before the wedding and he can practically taste his green card.
David has now been in Ukraine for EIGHT DAYS and has only spent TWO of those days with his internet girlfriend of seven years. Lana still refuses to meet him at his hotel (don’t blame her) and apparently still refuses to talk to him on any other platform other than AnastasiaDate. Nonetheless David literally has an engagement ring picked out for her already. Not alarming at all!
David and Lana meet for dinner at a nice restaurant and David pulls his usual move and enforces Lana in an embrace that makes her feel uncomfortable. I also feel uncomfortable.
David: I’m in love with you .
Lana:
David buys her an iphone (even though she already has one? Unclear.) and tells them they'll be able to communicate easier now. Again, Lana looks like she’s been given her death sentence. She says she accepts the gift but doesn’t say thank you (a very good sign!).
Egg is driving to meet his daughter, Tiffany, to tell her that she was right - his relationship with a woman 6 years younger than her didn’t work out. Ed apologizes and claims he’s a human, funny, dumbass, which would be appropriate and accurate if they were playing “two truths and lie” and not having a serious conversation where his daughter is literally crying for his lack of affection.
Geoffrey and Varya are in bed together and Geoffrey mansplains why having Mary in his bed two days ago doesn’t mean that it’s wrong to now be in bed with Varya two days later. I feel like I’d hate him less if he’d just call it what it is and just say he rebounded with Mary and it wasn’t that serious for him. Who TF hasn’t done that before?
Varya tells him that Mary’s gotta go. Geoffrey’s like “but she’s my friend” as Varya is about to allow him to be the only engaged father on Earth who has a girl best friend. They go into town and literally all they see is a train and a bridge which apparently is all Varya needs to see to feel content moving from Moscow to fucking Tennessee.
Back at the house, Varya says if she could go back in time she would say yes to Geoffrey's proposal. Geoffrey, being the petulant baby he is, is still like,”If i proposed right now would you say yes?” and when Varya says yes he’s like--well you hurt my feelings, so now idk! Ugh, he is so toxic. I can’t.
We’re back in Yonkers with Stephanie who is preparing to come out to her mother as she drives over to her mother’s house to have dinner with her and her brother. At the dinner table,
Stephanie comes out and explains what really happened between her and Erika. Unfortunately, the response from her mother isn’t too warm and fuzzy and she tells her that she just thinks Stephanie is confused. Despite her feelings, she says she still wants Stephanie to introduce her to any future girlfriends. Her brother didn’t say a word so I can only imagine he feels similarly to the mom--which only creates an extremely welcoming environment for Stephanie and her sexuality! -_-
Now back in his hotel room, David finds an email from Sergei (the private investigator he fired) with links to all of Lana’s other online dating profiles. David uses this opportunity to show he should be psychologically evaluated by claiming Sergei is still a crook and sends him one of his many forced pictures of him and Lana.
Nobody:
David: Hey Sergei, add this to my casefile!
David loiters the streests of Russia in his leather duster and rabbit hat reminiscing on the 14 total hours he spent with Lana over the last eight days of his trip. Reiterates that he’s spent every night alone in bed as if we didn’t already assume that. However, he’s grateful that Lana agreed to see him off at the airport. I think for Lana it’s more about seeing him leave the country with her own eyes so she knows when it’s safe to block him and throw the phone he bought her into the nearest body of water.
David attempts to call Lana but of course she doesn’t pick up so he leaves her a creepy voicemail message.
Varya and Geoffrey are meeting his two sons. She for some reason compliments his tye dye scarf and he says nothing. Does nobody in this show know how to accept an apology
They really just acted like Varya has never seen a skyscraper before. The boys like Varya which is good because nobody seems to like Mary.
Later on, they go on a dinner cruise on the Tennessee river. They begin talking about their relationship and working out their issues and Geoffrey finally admits Mary was just a rebound and he’s only loved Varya all along! Hm, well, I guess I was wrong. I still hate him just as much.
Omfg I completely forgot Yolanda even existed. So, Kara, her daughter, hired a private investigator to figure out who The WeeYums is because Yolanda is literally delusional and started talking to him again. I still can’t believe this woman has six children. Kara grabs her mother from a dark bedroom (should we be concerned?) and brings her down to the living room to call the private investigator and give him the details of her fraudulent relationship with WeeYums.
Investigator: Hello! The Williams isn’t real. Bye!
Back in Nigeria, It’s the day nobody but Lisa has been waiting for! The wedding! Usman wakes up to his damp, sweaty bride breathing heavily in excitement.
Lisa: Get up! We’re getting married today!
Usman:
Lisa puts on an ill-fitting wedding dress and Usman snaps a picture-- I’m assuming so he can send it to his group chat so they can roast her later.
They arrive at the wedding, and the ceremony consists of exchanging vows and a hug. Usman literally doesn’t know Lisa’s last name when they’re repeating the vows and Usman’s brothers are horrified they’re actually about to have to call this woman their sister-in-law. Usman's mother expects a child within 2-3 years--which would be totally doable back in the year 2000. Congrats to Usman and Lisa!
At the reception, Usman and all the men in his family and his friends are dancing around while Lisa sits alone with someone else’s child on her lap because women aren’t allowed to dance.
LMFAO Usman’s mom and Muhammad were sick to their stomach from watching their son/brother marry Lisa, so they went back home to go sleep in the hopes that when they wake up in the morning it will all of been a horrible fever dream.
Usman has put so little thought into his toast to Lisa that all he did was drunkenly belt out the song he wrote for her. Usman is so drunk at this point that he can’t even hide that Lisa is a meal ticket anymore.
Back in the States, It’s Varya’s last day in Tennessee and her and Toxic Geoffry go to a wishing well to write some wishes on a hospital band?? Unclear. They then apparently travel for hours on foot to Prosperity Mountain to clip their hospital band wishes near a big bell. Varya rings the bell and of course, Geoffrey proposes right on cue. Somewhere in her plaid duster, Mary is hatching vein empires in her bedroom and writing about it in her sad, handwritten book.
Tom and Darcy are still broken up. That is all.
Early the next morning after the wedding, Lisa’s getting ready to leave Nigeria. Lisa cries as Usman is most likely counting down the minutes in his head until she finally leaves the fucking country. In their tearful goodbye Usman says he will miss “everything about her” which we all know really means he actually can’t name a single thing he’ll miss about her.
They get to the airport and say goodbye and Lisa is hopeful Usman will be in the United States within six months. Too bad she has no idea that 2020 is going to be the beginning of the end of the world--looks like Mommy got her wish after all!!
Varya is also now on her way out of the United States. I love how all these couples are devastated that they won’t see each other for a while because of “the K-1 Visa process” when in reality Miss Corona was only just around the corner obliterating any exciting plans anybody could have possibly made. Luckily, this is the best thing that could’ve happened for both Varya and Usman though so I guess that’s the silver lining.
Now it’s David’s turn to leave. The third time David is seeing Lana is because Lana made time to take him to the airport--she needs to see with her own eyes that he’s left he country so she can throw her phone in the nearest body of water and block him on AnastasiaDate.
Lana:
They get to the airport and David forces himself upon Lana one last time in a hug that lasts way too long and then begins to make his exit.
David turns around and comes back to Lana one last time and she now appears fearful for her life that she won’t ever be able to get rid of this man. David proceeds to get on one knee for this woman who won’t even give him more than a forced peck on the lips, to be his wife.
She says yes but still won’t give him more than hardly consensual peck on the lips.
Nobody in the airport claps because everyone is probably questioning if they’ve literally just witnessed a sexual assault. Lana says she can’t wait to use the phone he bought her, and David finally leaves Russia and Lana can live in peace without being forced to live in an RV and hang around on the arm of a man who wears a leather mourning-dress in public.
WE MADE IT. FINALLY. Thank god. There won’t be a reunion recap because I’m sorry but this show is way too long and I have a fucking life! What did you guys think about how this season ended? Which couples are you most looking forward to seeing come back on other spin-offs? Comment below!
#90DayFiancéBeforeThe90Days #90DayFiancé #BeforeThe90Days #TLC #TLCNetwork #BGL #BabyGirlLisa #SoljaBoy #Mmmm #DavidandLana #AshandAvery #StephandErika #Season4 #EDandRose #BigEd #TheWilliams #Yolanda #RealityTV #RealityTeeHee #recap #popculture