Welcome back to not the finale, again! We’re now in the 14th episode of this show and I’m really starting to wonder, which will end first, this season of Before the 90 Days or quarantine?
The episode begins where last week left off as Varya shows up “unannounced” to Geoffreys house to try to win him back. When Geoffrey opens the door, a very staged fight occurs between Varya and Mary.
In the other room, Geoffrey’s teenage son’s can’t help but look on at the knock-off Rock of Love spectacle of two grown women shrieking at each other in the foyer. Varya tells Mary to take a fucking hike, but in Russian, to which TLC brilliantly cuts to Mary saying “I don't understand what’s going on here.” Well played, TLC. Geoffrey and Varya go outside to talk and Mary threatens to leave.
Geoffrey: *Shows every possible red flag there is*
Mary: Get into Relationship with Geoffrey
Geoffrey: *Gets back together with his ex*
Mary:
As Geoffrey and Varya are talking outside, Mary struggles to gather her belongings and go home. It takes her two attempts before she storms off successfully because she forgot her flowers when she tried to leave the first time. Very embarrassing. TLC really could’ve edited that out, but since they apparently hate Mary, they left it and I’m here for it.
Across the pond in Russia, David and Lana are having their first awkward coffee date and everytime Lana looks at the camera, she looks like she’s begging the producers not to leave her alone with that man.
David is still using the translator app to speak to Lana because he’s so out of touch with what real intimacy is that to him, it’s “just like having a normal conversation.” Besides, they won’t have to use the app forever because David will get her English lessons and make zero effort to learn any Russian!
David takes this time to explain via translator app that the last time he was there and she gave him clear signs that she’s wasn't interested in actually pursuing him, he walked around Kiev like an unhinged predator knocking on doors, peeping in windows, and showing people her picture, asking if they’ve seen her. Given what I know about using translators, the actual message she read was probably even more horrifying than that.
David: I have something to tell you. After I stalked you and couldn't find you, I hired a private investigator.
Lana/Translator: It is mad
In other words, goodbye, sir.
Stephanie packs up to leave Australia and heads to the airport. Erika obviously didn’t bother wasting any more of her gas on this girl to come say goodbye, and Stephanie is upset she’s not going to get her dramatic airport moment that she doesn’t deserve. Through some very unconvincing alligator tears, Stephanie manages to choke out that Erika will always have a piece of her heart although, I’m sure she really doesn’t want it.
The day before the wedding, BGL and SoljaBoy are still fighting because Usman hasn’t proposed yet due to the fact that they’re not getting along and he doesn’t want to propose to someone that he is in an argument with (Also Lisa is awful and I'm sure deep down he fucking hates her.) Baby Girl Lisa is worried that if people find out that he proposed so soon before their wedding, that they will assume that she, a woman in her 50’s, is pregnant, and they’re having a shotgun wedding.
Usman miraculously calms his Baby Love down from her fit of delusion. They manage to go a total of two whole minutes before Lisa is shouting at him again from the bathroom accusing him of moving a hair brush that I can tell she’s barely used at all this trip. While being verbally abused, Usman prepares to make the biggest mistake of his life and ask for her hand in marriage. He proposes to her right outside of the bathroom, which after all this, seems like an appropriate location for someone like Lisa.
It’s Avery’s last day down under with Actually Ash and upon reflection, Avery equates her time in Australia with him as “relationship boot camp” which sounds like another red flag she’s choosing to ignore.
Avery: This relationship is exhausting.
Also Avery:
They realize that in order to stay in a relationship, it would be a lot more work than they initially thought going into it. Aside from Ash’s son being a part of the equation, Ash only has a Mauritian passport and the process to obtain an Australian passport can take anywhere between three months to a year. Sooo this is probably a wash then, right?
Eggward is on a plane back to San Diego without Rose and is somehow just now realizing that he’s a failure. Somehow that didn’t occur to him already when he ruined his relationship with his daughter by pursuing a woman that could’ve been her schoolmate, or when he bought lingerie that reminded him of his dog for the woman he planned on marrying.
He tells his mother about the breakup saying the reason was because of Rose’s demands and not because he lied about his height, or asked her to shave her legs because they were hairy, or told her to brush her teeth because her breath stinks, or any of the other embarrassing and unforgivable behaviors he displayed during that entire trip. Not to mention, he explicitly said he wasn’t ready to be a father to Prince let alone two more kids so I guess he was just planning on not claiming her son as his own either. But sure, Ed, it was Rose's demands that caused the downfall of this relationship.
Me watching this scene:
After several failed attempts of trying to leave the premises, Mary finally manages to leave and now Geoffrey can let Varya safely come inside his house. Instead of doing the rational thing and running all the way home back to her mother’s house in Siberia to get away from this toxic man, Varya goes inside and her and Geoffrey’s agree to try to work things out. Very unfortunate news to hear.
Darcy and Tom are still broken up. That is all.
David is back in his hotel room paying to talk to his “girlfriend” Lana on the dating website and has successfully convinced (bribed?) her to be seen with him in public for a second time. Lana is everything David wants in a woman, (except for the fact that she’s visibly repulsed at the thought of touching him) and believes things are headed in the right direction. David: She’s giving me all the signs!
Lana’s Signs:
Lana and David walk around and take unsettling pictures around town together so they can prove their relationship to the government. Hate to break it to you David, but I think if they catch wind of this season of the show your pictures aren’t going to hold up too well, buddy!
They go bowling together and predatory David asks Lana if she wants to make a deal with the devil, i.e. a bet with him. If he gets a strike, he gets to kiss her but of course nothing about a reward for her if she gets a strike (which would probably be to leave). Of course the odds are in David’s favor because he used to be a professional bowler and I’m starting to get the feeling this isn’t the first time he’s used this tactic to plant unwanted kisses on women.
Ignoring all of Lana's social cues and using his so-called professional expertise, he grabs Lana by the hips in an extremely lazy attempt to seem like he was teaching her some new technique. I kind of can’t believe this scene was even aired at all because Lana is so clearly trying to avoid kissing him. The bitch is literally jumping up and down celebrating when he DOESN’T hit the pins. NO MEANS NO, Y’ALL. Unfortunately, David gets a strike and TLC allows him to force himself upon Lana for his prize-- a non-consensual kiss on the lips.
Steph is back in the US and is greeted by her Mother, a family friend, and her two dogs at the airport. When they’re in the car riding home Steph describes her experience to her mom in the vaguest way possible. Like, literally so vague she could’ve been describing the Outback Steakhouse if she hadn’t brought up the sharks experience again.
I assume because the family friend is in the car Stephanie chooses to pretend her and “her pal” Erika’s “friendship” just didn’t work out because Stephanie is conservative and Erika liked to party. I’m not a fan of Stephanie but I’m also not a fan of people not feeling comfortable to be who they are, so I hope Stephanie can find a good time to tell her mom who she is.
Over in Nigeria, Usman’s family has arrived for the wedding and immediately Mommy is eager to pray-- which I can only imagine is a last attempt to plead for Divine intervention before all of the festivities begin. They wash their hands and feet in the toilet as part of a tradition to rinse away sins, and despite Lisa being the absolute worst in almost every other scenario we’ve seen her in, she is actually being respectful of the culture and following suit.
Later on, Lisa and Usman go to dinner with the brothers where Lisa thinks it’s the appropriate time to bring up her and Usman’s problems and get their opinion. Which, obviously they are going to have a similar view on the subject as Usman because they all practice the same customs. Lisa does her usual song and dance of shouting over everyone and then getting up from the table to leave.
Usman is embarrassed for him and his family, and America is embarrassed because Usman thinks that this is how we all behave. I think we can all agree on what separates those that act like Lisa and those that don’t. Here’s a hint, it starts with a T and rhymes with Dump. :)
When Ash and Avery get to the airport, they sit on a bench having the exact same conversation they had in the earlier scene - they have no idea when exactly they’ll see each other again, SPOILER ALERT: Never.
Before Avery boards the plane, Ash gives a very familiar-sounding fuck boy goodbye saying that although he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to see her again, he’s going to miss Avery so very much. Coincidentally, I was told the same thing by the last guy I liked and I never saw or heard from him again! So this is already at a very promising start for them. Mazel!
After saying goodbye at TSA, Ash is crying and I’m very concerned that all that lubrication will cause his precarious eyeballs to slip out. Avery gets on the plane and goes back to the United States leaving her beloved TrAsh behind at the gate.
As the second half of Lana and David’s date begins, Lana shows David what appears to me to be a clear sign she’s not romantically interested in him, by bringing him to Friendship Arch before going to sit down to eat at dinner.
Almost immediately after they sit down, David makes a creepy comment to Lana after she orders a rabbit dish saying, “we called them bunnies” and it’s genuinely unclear to me whether he’s referring to the animal or the playmates.
David firmly believes after the seven hours total he’s spent with Lana in person, that she’s definitely the one for him but he just needs to “find out what she’s thinking.” Although, I'm pretty sure that's code for bang her. To try to broach the subject subtly, he brings up visa process and asks Lana what she needs from him to be sure that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him and his leather Kimono, in a mobile home. Lana of course doesn’t understand that he’s really asking her when she’ll sleep with him, so David tries again more bluntly and she finally understands.
David: Will you come back to my room with me?
Lana/Translator:
The episode comes to an end with Geoffrey and Varya deciding they were going to work things out and she could stay at Geoffrey’s house for the remainder of her visit. Geoffrey brings her to a restaurant to meet his friends. This would’ve been nice if these plans weren’t something he had originally agreed to do with his backup plan, Mary.
Toxic Geoffrey couldn’t be prouder as he boasts to his friends that Varya showed up at his house while Mary was there. Nobody is really that impressed but everyone’s definitely really uncomfortable. His friend that looks like Weird Al responds in what sounds like more of a personal projection about his sex life and less like advice by saying, “You can’t spell not now without ‘no.’”
We’re left on a cliffhanger as Geoffrey lies through his teeth claiming his innocence in the mess he literally created and Mary crashes the outing that she was originally supposed to be a part of.
Me, Geoffrey, and Geoffrey's friends:
That’s it for this week, Baby Loves! Thanks for reading! Leave your thots and prayers below on how you want this season to end (if it ever does!) and tune in next week to see if Mommy’s last prayers were answered!
#90DayFiancéBeforeThe90Days #90DayFiancé #BeforeThe90Days #TLC #TLCNetwork #BGL #BabyGirlLisa #SoljaBoy #Mmmm #DavidandLana #AshandAvery #StephandErika #Season4 #Brr